All is NOT well-well, not quite.

Sometimes with all the positive and energetic posts I put up- flagrantly using the exclamation mark in everything I say, sometimes I feel like I'm being disingenous? Like everything is going perfectly over here in Kansas City, in the heavenly atmosphere of the prayer room, surrounded by a company of anointed prophets day and night.

Well, first off, to be honest, I really do mean everything I say!

But at the same time, to be honest, all is not well; not in the sense that sunny days are entirely my lot.

A little bit about myself- ever since online expression has become the cultural norm, I've always found it difficult to express myself in anything negative- either in the xanga days, AOL, what not. I just didn't want to put stuff up that would discourage people. But I also didn't want to put stuff up because I didn't like putting an image of myself out there as weak. You can call it my own issues. But unless I absolutely needed to, I just don't like being vulnerable over a public forum, unless I know that everyone in my network was someone I could commend myself to. I just don't like putting myself out there like that, whether I'm having a bad day, or a set of circumstances didn't work my way. Nevertheless, I still do so to my inner circle of friends. But do you get me? Even writing this post seems a little weird to me.

Anyways, despite what people tell me is a passionate and bubbly exterior, which I appreciate- there are deep struggles that I'm wrestling with. My own personal demons (figuratively, spiritually, any way you want to look at it) that I'm facing, some of which, frankly leave me a bit perturbed at times. All of us interns, actually- with the depth of the classes we've been taking, especially "Pure Heart". So I hope I'm not deceiving anyone, or coming off as someone surfing on the waves of the Holy Spirit on a sunny beach in the figment of someone's imagination. True, I'm being blessed- but these days the more accurate way I can describe where I'm at- I'm in the wilderness, where the Spirit is stripping me, breaking me, and building me up again. Relient K's "Devastation and Reform" comes to mind. Pray for me!

But on a more hopeful note, as I was reading Psalm 27 the other day- I have faith that GOD is my LIGHT and my Salvation. So many times I try to conjure up a light within myself, when really- if not for the abiding presence of Christ, all I am is really darkness. But the good news is; we were never meant to hope in our own ability. We were meant to agree with David in Psalm 27 that "THE LORD is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?" NOT "The good deeds of (your name) is my light and my salvation" We're just called to gaze upon the Lord and claim His light as our own, and rejoice in that. Because as one of my instructors said in class what God told him- "If you'll be IMPRESSED with me, I'll leave my IMPRESSION on you!" God just wants us to be IMPRESSED with Him, and not ourselves. And when we are impressed with Him, He'll leave His IMPRESSION on us.

Anyways, I hope that strikes a chord...because so often, for myself, I judge, evaluate, critic and push myself. But I'm reminded in my imperfection not to gaze upon myself, but to gaze upon Someone who is perfect, who is beautiful, and all together lovely.

And from beholding Him, you and I will be changed from glory to gory.